Caring for Aging Parents – How Siblings Cope with Caregiving

However, in families with several children, caring for aging parents can either bring siblings closer together, or it can drive them apart.  In a time when we are facing an ‘aging crisis’, where people are living longer, yet our social security systems are going into deficit, caregiving is likely to become more and more a need for family to contribute to.

With an American turning 65 every 8 seconds from January 2011, we are entering an era when the current care systems we have cannot cope.  Although there is a robust structure of skilled nursing facilities and assisted living facilities across the United States, caring for our aged parents in their home is likely to become the primary care mode for the future.

Our parents would rather stay in their home anyway, and it is actually cheaper to provide ancillary care services at home rather than transfer someone to a full-time nursing facility.   However, even with a number of siblings to share the care-giving charge, it largely falls to one adult child to take the bulk of the responsibility, according to a recent survey conducted by the Home Instead Senior Care health care company. The main issue about disparity in sibling care-giving is rooted in geography.  If one adult child lives close-by to elderly parents, it is likely he or she will become

Nearly half of those who participated in the survey claimed that their relationships with their siblings deteriorated because their brother or sister was unwilling to help with sharing the caregiving.

In the cases where one sibling had willingly taken the main responsibility for caregiving, their relationship with their brothers and sisters had improved where they were regarded highly for their role as caregiver.

Interestingly, the conclusions of the survey were that the roles and patterns of existing sibling personalities and relationships, carried over into the care-giving arena.  If one sibling had always been the responsible one, it is likely this persona will transgress into the roles of siblings as care-givers.

Another finding from the survey was that if the relationships between siblings was strained, the primary caregiver is prone to feeling depressed, and this can have dire consequences for the parent under their care.

Communication is key to resolving effective care.  It can be helpful to call family meetings, ensuring all siblings have the opportunity to contribute in whatever way, even from afar.  It is vital to give constructive guidance to siblings to engage them in contributing to care-giving.  The main issues were found to be that primary caregivers felt that they ‘griped’ to siblings, who would say “just tell me what you need me to do”.  It was therefore deemed more constructive to specifically engage other siblings in caregiving, by requesting help with certain tasks, like some grocery shopping for Mom or Dad, or accompanying on a visit to the hospital for medical check-ups, etc.

There are a range of mediation services available from social workers, psychologists and pastors, that ultimately all focus and enabling siblings to work together for the benefit of supporting their aging parents.